Since I'm not smart enough to make my own quotes to express myself, I stole them from other people illegally and didn't give them any credit for it.

Some of these quotes are kind of funny

~Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the ability to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people who pissed me off

~Good friends will help you move. Great friends will help you move a body

~Never take life seriously. No one ever gets out alive anyway

~If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence of trying the first time

~Tradgedy is when I cut my finger, Comedy is falling down an open manhole cover and dying. -Mel Brooks

~If you eat all the cashews, they will soon go away

~I cannot walk for the fish in my head is heavy and belligerent (I found that on the wall of the basement of the mall where I work)

~I'm not anti-social. Society is anti-me

~Life is a sexually transmitted disease

~When I see a tree, I know it is a tree because my mind perceives the form of 'treeness' in it - Aristotle (I found this funny because this guy was supposed to be a highly regarded philosopher of his time. Big time philosophy here if you ask me)

~I've turned into the person my parents warned me about

~Want to know what happens after death? Go look at dead things

~On the other hand, you have different fingers

~If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

~We have to believe in free will. We have no other choice

~We live in a society where a pizza gets to your house faster than an ambulance

~It's all the stupid people in the world that make me look so smart

~If the human brain were simple enough for us to understand, we would be so simple that we could not understand

~I do touch too much bread, yes, more than the next person - Samuel Feldman on being convicted for squeezing and destroying $1000 worth of bread

~Sumo wrestlers are more than fat men in thongs

~I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose. They should draw the line at goats though. - Elton John

~Always forgive your enemies. Nothing pisses them off more

~Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months

~The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them

~Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may follow. Don't walk next to me either. Just leave me alone

~Winners never quit and quitters never win, but people who never win and never quit are idiots